Kirsty was glad to be home after a hard day’s work. Exhausted she heaved a sigh of relief, as she slid her shoes off eyeing a comfortable corner on the settee. She prided herself on a sense of progress, glad she had been able to resolve some major issues for her employers. She winked in self admiration as she threw her head back to a comfortable pose on the sofa. It wasn’t till she woke up hours later, to the smell of wine and a wet top, that she realized she had fallen off to sleep with her drink in her hand.
Her thoughts drifted back to her week at work. She thought of the joy she derived from the challenges at work. She smiled to herself as she thought she was not one for passing time at work. “yes” she thought, there was a fulfillment she derived from taking on challenges in the work place. It had also been well worth it! She had been rewarded with pay rises and annual bonuses, supported by her employer in her pursuit of personal development.
It was all going good, more heights to attain. Her thoughts seemed to slide down from to the reality of the part of the week she often dreaded – coming home on Fridays!! She had once thought the lonely weekends was a result of not having a man in her life, but then realized her married and partnered friends shared this horrible feeling of an emptiness on the inside. It was a horrible feeling that seemed difficult to fill!! She thought of work again and identified it as a distraction that helped at least for most of the week. What was it she desperately, and seemingly unknown to her did she seek to be distracted from? Kirsty was desperate for answers- yet fearful.
Who am I? what is the purpose of my existence? How did I come to be besides the explanation of my biological being? A mass of cells surely can’t think? She was convinced there was much more to her than her physical existence. How can I know what or all I am about? She suddenly feared she may be losing it – these seemed to be crazy thoughts. She dreaded she may be experiencing early signs of insanity yet wondered if she was running from confronting the truth about life. “I really must stop” she concluded. She propped herself into a sitting position uncertain what to do for the rest of the night, with being so alert and no more signs of sleep. She poured herself another glass of wine, “I might as well!”
It was nice to be admired. So many of her colleagues had not hesitated to let her know how they wished they had her confidence. If only they knew it was all a facade. She dressed up to the image she perceived was required for the work place. she was confident about her skills in the managerial role, but that had been developed over time. She wished she could be happy, satisfied, like herself in every way….Her thoughts were suddenly interrupted by her James, “how was your weekend?” She found herself struggling to respond, this wasn’t Kirsty, no what’s the matter with me? Her voice finally came, “Oh, er, it went so fast, but ok”. “you obviously had a nice time, never a dull moment with you Kirsty.” The distressing thought rumblec again in Kirsty’s heart, ” who exactly am I?”